M is for Myg

Store security cameras caught this poor sap’s ugly mug at about 4pm Philly time today. The suspect is about 5 feet tall, 195 lbs, in her late 40s. Poor hygiene, smells like drain-o, cat food and cigarette butts. The damn bitch ran off just as I was making a citizen’s arrest. I’ll tell you all about it after the “read more” mark, so hit it people.

Despite what you might think, it is not easy being East Philly’s self-appointed thug on patrol. So when I’d heard somebody ripped off developer/candidate Wei’s new Wawa a few days ago, I was agitated as all hell.

With plans for a Wei 2008 campaign rally under way, I had to get to the bottom of this. For chrissakes, how does it look to the voters when the candidate’s very own convenience store gets ripped off and the crook is at large? Lord knows we don’t want to be pegged as soft on crime, certainly not with the whole furry sex controversy yet to be tackled.

In Philly we haven’t got our own peace keeping force, aside from the random Spartan that drops in, so I had to take matters into my own hands. The only real lead on the Philly Filcher I had was this supposedly abandoned pick-up truck out in front. I talked to some people who knew some people in town, greased the right palms, but couldn’t get a single bird to sing.

Then today while scoping out a neighborhood in Baji, I ran out of cigars. I caught sight of this dump, and as the fates would have it the truck from the Wawa was out in plain sight. Columbo would have creamed for a lead this good.

You know I was armed, ready to apprehend the suspect single handedly. Tough guy, that’s me. This was a pretty smart shoplifter, too, taking cover as an actual cashier at another store. Not too many would think to pull that stunt. I will say, she seemed rather experienced in handling private dicks like myself.

Without even arguing she opened the cash register, like she was gonna let me inspect. But I wasn’t falling for it. I knew the Philly Filcher didn’t actually didn’t steal cash –just a couple of cartons of cigarettes, a 12-pack of diet coke and some Tastycakes.

But damn, there was mad fucking dough in that register. I figured I was gonna just take enough to cover the damage of what she’d taken, and then maybe some gas money, honestly, but when I walked up behind her, she just let me take whatever I wanted from the till.

Then while I was busy filling my pockets with 5-dollar bills, the wiley bitch got away. Be warned folks, she is still at large and probably loaded with skittles, porn and chaw. She may not look like much of a fighter, but she is one low-down, scheming wretch of a thief, so if you run into her, be sure to call for backup.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 12:00 am and is filed under Capers, Explorable, Wei 2008.