(Get a load of the lovely and talented Arteer and pal doing a hula back at SL4B. The perfect spokesmodels for SL etiquette!)

Getting along and having a good time in SL is, for me, mainly about the relationships you create with the people you find there. So if you want to know how to get along, I strongly advise you take the following helpful tips to heart.

Tip #1: Don’t be a DICK. If you’re not sure what that means, please refer to our riveting series, “Portraits of SL Assholes.” There are some shining examples of how not to behave therein. Since this tip is difficult for some to master, let’s break it down into little steps:

1. Don’t ask anyone for money, ever. There’s a ton of shit on the net on how to get Lindens in SL– Google it for Phil’s sake. That said, unless you’re in business here, the best way to get money is to BUY IT. As Zoe and October pointed out in a comments thread here, $4 US will get you like $1000 L. You can have all kinds of shopping fun with a grand in SL. If you don’t want to do that, then do the work to figure out how to get money in-world yourself and don’t go around asking others for it. It’s damned obnoxious.

2. Don’t shoot people or otherwise use your weapons on them when you’re not in a combat sim or sandbox. Unless you have a really good reason, and if you’re new, you probably can’t actually discern whether it’s appropriate yet, so just don’t do it.

3. Don’t walk around naked in non-public sex areas. Don’t ask random people for sex. If you’re male, don’t walk around with your cock out. Also, if you’ve been having sex, remember to get dressed or put it back in your pants. Failure to do so can lead to embarrassing moments when you log back in and don’t look at the front of your av before tp’ing to attend some mixed reality event with your RL boss.

4. Don’t randomly add people you don’t know to your friends’ list. Talk to someone for awhile and then ask if you can add them if you think you’d like to contact them later.

5. When in doubt, ask yourself how you’d act around people in real life, and do that. Unless, of course, you’re psychotic. And I know some of you are.

Tip #2: Go ahead, talk to people you don’t know. Just be nice. Say hello. Don’t interrupt a conversation rudely, but don’t be afraid to type, “Hi. I’m new here, would you mind helping me out?” Because most of us will be perfectly happy to. Especially if you’re following etiquette tip #1.

Tip #3: Don’t camp in Topgol. EVER. Just promise me you won’t. And if you don’t know why or what that means, I refer you back to this specific edition of “Fight for Topgol” for review.

Tip #4: Read all of the “Oh Snap” posts by SL Mean Girls as well as this handy “do’s and don’ts” list. Those girls will never, ever steer you wrong.

Got all that? Good. Now you’re ready to hit the most trenderiffic spots in all of the virtual paradise and not be ridiculed or photographed and blogged by yours truly under the dreaded (or, highly sought after in some cases) Portraits of SL Assholes.

Now, go on and get some.

If you’re new to Second Life and you’re at all like me (and some of you are) you’ve got way too little patience to go through all that bull on Orientation Island. You’re itchin’ to see what the hell is out there. There’s only one problem.

You look like shit.

To make matters worse, you really don’t even know how truly shitty you look because odds are, you’re in some place with a bunch of other noobs who look as bad or even worse than you do. But we all know how crappy you look, and you might want to look good, but you just don’t know where to start.

I call this a cute crisis.

But don’t panic! For as little as 5L and 30 minutes of your time, I’ll help you go from this:

To this:

I classify the above as a “cute enough” look that will gain you entry even to the most exclusive, sarcastic, hippest, catty, or snooty chats in SL. For the skinny on hot freebies, read on!

Now, just especially for the truly impatient, (like yrs truly) you can skip the rest of this post and go directly to Mainline, Little Philadelphia (Topgol) by following this SLURL. When you get there, you’ll see my very own freebie box, made just for you. The box has all the landmarks to the freebies I’m wearing in the photo here as well as a few free gifts I’ve scrounged up.

–>Don’t know how to follow an SLURL? It’s easy! Just click it. Then follow the prompt for your browser to open your SL Viewer on your computer. After you log in (if you were already logged in it doesn’t matter) click on your large map. Then inside the large map, click teleport. That’ll take you right to the freebie box. Follow these instructions for all SLURLS mentioned here.

That said, let me give one caveat. It is my damned opinion that you’re way better off buying Linden dollars, and I’ll rant on why I believe that another time. But for now let’s just say you just want to check SL out and you don’t want to look like a pixeltard. These tips will help you. And some of the stuff is so cute you’ll wear it long after you’ve bought your first 10kL.

Lucky for us, there are some talented designers in SL who give away quality items. But when you’re new, you don’t know where to look. Try going to one of those huge “free stuff” outlets sometime like the Free Dove. You’ve got to wade through 4,328 boxes of shit–who the hell wants to waste their time digging through all those boxes looking for the one cool giveaway?

Nothing against the Free Dove, but you don’t want to work that hard to look cute–and looking cute is more than an urgent need, it’s a damned emergency! We need to get the good stuff now, Now, NOW!

So let’s start with skin, people.

The basic SL skin is just fucking horrible (see noob princess prancing in her undies on the left, above). You need a new one–fast.

I recommend going with a Bare Rose skin, which you can get in white. I’m wearing it in the lead photo–let’s take another look, shall we?

It’s really not all that bad for 1L, is it? It also comes in a shade a little darker called coffee. To get it, go here: Bare Rose SLURL.

This puts you directly in front of the freebie table at Bare Rose. (In SL, keep in mind that 1L is considered “free.”) Buy the skin for 1L. Put on the skin immediately. Just right click and select “wear” or drag it to your avatar.

Ah, you feel better now, don’t you? At the very least, I know looking at you, I feel better.

One bad thing is that these free BR skins have no genitals–they come with PG-friendly drawn-on underwear. Don’t worry, I’ll find you a skin that has bits for another post.

But for now, we’re onto hair.

I always fucking hated adjusting hair early on because I’m terrible with editing tools and have accidentally slid some object off a sim with my clutzy fingers more times than I can remember.

You can probably avoid this dilemma by getting a GuRL6 freebie hair. Their hair normally comes in three sizes out of the box, and one is bound to fit fine. They have two ways to get free hair that doesn’t suck.

For the truly impatient, follow this SLURL to GuRLyWood.

Pay 1L for the freebie bag (right in front of you when you get there). Open it, and inside you’ll find a free hair you can wear right now! Whee!

If you’re less than two weeks old, in your GuRL6 freebie bag is a free hair voucher complete with instructions. Read them, follow them, get rewarded with hair of your actual damned choice.

Now you need clothes–and I hope to GOD you’ve been wearing some while going around for this other stuff.

I have a couple of spots for you. To get the hoodie I’m wearing and a bunch of funky free clothes and toys, get thee to the freebie box at {soap}.

Clicky you the SLURL for {soap}. Buy the freebie box for 0L. Open the box. Wear hoodie (and don’t forget to attach the hood). Yay yo.

Now, get some kick ass Canimal freebies. Go to this weird place: enkythings SLURL

That SLURL puts you outside, so follow the signs that say free and point the way up, go through the first room and continue up to the free clothing room. Canimal’s display is back and to the right. I’m wearing her camo pants, which come in a number of hideous colors, but they also come in this nice black color. While you’re there, get some sick skins and some other cute things. Wear them.

No more excuses! Read up and get your cute on, now. And, don’t forget to stop by Mygcentral in Mainline, Topgol (188, 134, 55) to show us how adorable you are in all your free thrift-store chic! You can still pick up the freebie box, which has the LMs for all these cool spots–and the *bonus*–Yadni’s Free Emoter HUD. Wonder where I get my trademark sneer? Want to look mad without a stupid gesture and some irritating .wav file? You need a Yadni’s.

Cute crisis averted. Over.