Real quick. The other day I was digging in my inventory to look for proper attire for Codebastard’s latex party last weekend. I confess, it’d been awhile since I’d broken out the latex and I wasn’t at all sure of what look to go for. So I cobbled together my clear latex underthings for that shiny just greased pig look, and wore black pants from an old BareRose outfit I had from long ago, complete with holes in the leg and thigh, revealing spots of my shiny ass, topped with a black shiny patent leather halter top. To complete the look, I wore my bruiser skin from Civvies, which comes complete with black eye and massive scrapes and burns on the torso, fully visible. Sorry I didn’t take a photo – it was a really priceless look. With that, I wanted to shop a little bit before the party and said to Alex, “Let’s go and see how long it takes for some noob asshole to hit on me.”

Guess how long it took?

Not very. The minute I landed at the first stop, this dude in the picture above starts chatting me up. I am really losing my touch too, because I didn’t take any photos,  and I didn’t deliver any Myg style smack down. I was just kind of – bored. It was like too predictable or something. Alex tp’d in and tried using various orbiters on the guy, but none worked. It was really a little depressing.  As the guy started talking about how he doesn’t have enough L to buy a penis, I just tp’d away. Sad story, huh? Sorry – I said I had to get back into the swing of things here.

In any case, please do come on out to Clockwork tonight to hear AlexB (aka dj kEtchUp) spin all your new favorites you’ve never heard before, and some old ones too. 6pm SLT!

Today we have Noob with Gun Asshole, a fairly typical kind of asshole in Second Life. What happened here is that I had an errand to run in Toxia, and it was laggy as hell (as it often is because it’s a damned popular place). I was waiting for shit to rezz, when BAM! I get knocked clear across the fucking room. Well, I don’t like this. So I said something to the effect of,

“Hey dickhead!”

The dude looked rather stunned – as you find him here. He didn’t respond, so I IM’d him. I asked him if it was an accident. He said it was, that in fact, he is new and he did not know his big bad gun was loaded and I hadn’t rezzed yet so he didn’t see me until after he shot me. Lucky shot, eh? A fine story, it was.

He asked me what the place was, and I explained Toxia as I understand it. First you role play, THEN you shoot people.

“I’m going in,” he said.

I told him to put the gun away or he’d be banned faster than a protester at a skin theft. He did put the gun away, which means he’s not quite as big an asshole as many noobs of this variety. Even so, I’m sure he was banned in under 5 minutes.

And the moral of this story is, newbie or not, don’t walk around with your big naked gun exposed, pulling the trigger randomly in crowded places. Because I happened to be packin’ and could have easily oribited the entire sim (accidentally of course) with my Sinistars. And that wouldn’t have been pretty.

Luckily, I wasn’t banned. Another five minutes talking to that dude and it would have happened, trust me.

Blogged with Flock

See, I was on as Myg Morrisey and I was freebie hunting. I’ve now decided that there’s few better ways to run into assholes than freebie hunting, (though weapons buying is the no-fail method).

This asshole I met is nearly the worst kind of asshole I know. He’s the little boy bully.

What happened was this. Dumbass dropped on my head as I was looking for free boots. As you may or may not know, decent free footwear is extremely hard to come by, but that’s not the point.

So, the dude dropped in on top of me, as sometimes happens, at a teleport site. No problem. However, dude had his little pixel dick attached as he landed on me. Accidents happen, you know. But then he turned around, and stuck the pixels in my face and said, “Hi.” That I didn’t like so much. The rest went a little like this:

[22:02] Asshole: hi
[22:02] You: your dick is in my face asshole
[22:02] Asshole: I beg your pardon
[22:02] Asshole: it was not intentional
[22:02] You: well that’s a good god damned thing
[22:03] Asshole: take the attitude and shove it woman…I apologized
[22:03] You: kiss my ass
[22:03] Asshole: you don’t really have one girl
[22:03] You: pfft
[22:03] Asshole: take your rl attitude where it belongs
[22:04] You: fuck off

Then, without further notice, he ORBITED ME.  I know, I know.  I was verbally aggressive. But he was clearly a horndog, and it was late and I’ll tell you what. It was really quite obvious from the moment he dropped on my head that the dude was all manner of disrespect. He stayed right on top of me as he gave his lil’ lowercase “hi” with his pixel dick right in my face (Myg Morrisey is short and the dude is SL 9 feet tall).  Then, he’d walked away from me but had to make a beeline back to tell me to “shove it.” Because don’t you know, Dumbass apologized and therefore my grumbling was out of line, right? And he was determined to put me in my place, apparently.

What a motherfucker.

As I soared aloft, high above the sim, I verbally harassed him for a few more minutes in IM but the weak minded brute muted me. Or so he thought. Because you can mute me in SL, but you sure as hell can’t mute me at M is for Myg.

Asshole.

—

Eds. note: Asshole really does belong to Bukkake Bliss and a number of other horndog groups, which is perfectly fine, but still, no reason to walk around putting your goods in a girl’s face. Also, that is the dude’s profile pic, since that whole orbiting thing caught me off guard and I missed the photo op. Boy did THAT piss me off.  Photo altered to protect the identity of the asshole. Why, I don’t know.

Before you hear this week’s podcast, you need to know about what happened Friday:

A disturbing incident occurred in downtown Philadelphia last week when an unidentified gunman injured two of Topgol’s chief architects.

“I was building and he landed next to me with a gun and said ‘Hi,’” said Sable Slade. “I said Hi back. He said something about a house in the sky, about a friend shooting him, sending him up in the air. He was leaving when Diane showed up. He flew away…and she got shot — and there was another bomb behind her…”

Little Philly resident Esteban Moody, who arrived on the scene shortly after the shooting, described the gunman as “a kind of trenchcoat mafia furry with a pirate mask and a shotgun.” Moody also recalled that the assailant had a “big-ass raccoon tail.”

“It was a landmine,” reported shooting victim Diane Zinner, “and then the bombers came! Sable and i had to duck fast…we were running, bullets flying everywhere! Sable took one in the leg, and I helped her into a building…the landmine didn’t go off…there was fire and smoke – and that’s when he shot me. He shot me in the back. I was in bad shape. Sable should be up for the silver star — valor in combat, right? — she pulled me through.”

The three locals then followed the shooter to a distant hideout.

“The dude was incoherent,” said Moody. “At first he says he’s a hitperson or somenthing — at least that’s what I think he was saying — but then he starts apologizing, like it was all some mistake — Diane was just an innocent bystander. Apparently, he’s part of a secret ritual society that worships a giant Mexican ferrett.”

Local police are continuing the investigation.

The good news is that both Sable and Diane were recovered enough by Monday night to shake their booties along with the rest of Topgol! Did you miss it? Do you want it again? Funkify your life by hitting the “play” button or downloading the podcast.

Thanks as always to everyone who came out! More pictures here.

funk for the masses | 13 Aug 2007: podcast.

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Set list:

Nortec Collective: Funky Tamazula
The J.B.’s: Givin’ Up Food For Funk (Part 1)
Royal Rock: Can’t Fade The Funk
Kool & the Gang: Funky Stuff
MC Solaar: Funky Dreamer
Cameo: Funk Funk
The Meters: Funkify Your Life
Brand New Heavies: Put the Funk Back In It
Dayton Sidewinders: Funky in Here
My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult: Do You Wanna Get Funky With Me
James Brown: Funky Side of Town
Calypso King & The Soul Investigators: Gator Funk Pt. 1
Tower Of Power: You Got To Funkifize
Parliament: Give Up The Funk
Arthur Conley: Funky Street
James Brown: Every Beat of my Heart

These two jokers are sitting on a couple of prims because they are afraid. And why are they afraid? Well, probably because one of them, the lizard on the right, made the mistake of building a ridiculous glass monstrosity (below) immediately adjacent to the beautiful Trenton (SLurl) sim of my pal Johnny Skosh and co.

The drama report continues after the jump.
Orchid first noticed the tower Wednesday evening, decked out with “for sale signs” several hundred meters high. Let me just state up front that this reptile’s behavior has been erratic for months–he owns plenty of land in Deadwood, sold some to Orchid and Myg and I, and has had several inane arguments over land prices with Orchid and Starr. So after refusing to sell to any of the Trenton folks at reasonable market rates, he builds a huge monstrosity right next to the sim, completely out of the theme. And why would he put it at 500 meters instead of on the ground, or some other height? To take advantage of the great traffic Trenton is getting because of all the hard work of Johnny and the rest of the crew put in so he can extort some unsuspecting buyer. Well, after a huge fight in which he assaulted Orchid physically (pushing) and verbally (using the C-bomb), Johnny built a wall to block the monstrosity from view in Trenton. Later, the reptile was spotted admiring photos of cheesy particle effects with his default buddy.

I bet those assholes are big Thomas Kinkade fans.

I kicked this bastard in the head so hard he’ll have a migraine for a week, I promise. There’s more.

Exchange of the night:

[22:36] Lana MISSING: its a game for God’s sake!
[22:36] Alexander Burgess: yes, and we play rough

And we sure do, let me tell you.

This evening’s casino camper rampage started, as it always does, with the damned lag.

I wanted to give up. Throw in the towel. Admit defeat. But no, no.

Alex said: “Get your ass up.” But that wasn’t all.

[22:07] You: WHAT did you call me dude?
[22:08] You: come say that over here
[22:08] You: yeah
[22:08] You: that’s what I thought
[22:08] You: drunk motherfucker
[22:08] Alexander Burgess: imma take you out

I wasn’t going to take that lying down, so I challenged him. Right in the middle of the 12 12 Casino Casino Monkey Monkey. Yeah, right in the middle of that stankin’ camper-leech infested sim-performance sucking shithole. We took our dirty business and aired it right out by the Easy Money Bonus Slots.

I thought I’d show them all my bonus slot, but Alex had a better idea. Instead of fighting each other, we fought for Topgol, right there in the casino. We battered the camping scum. The insults were flying. The tears, flowing. The rage was hard on.

[22:26] You: Listen up camping bitches!
[22:26] You: This here is Mainland
[22:27] You: And this *cough cough* illegal online gambling establishment causes the sim to lag
[22:27] You: We’ve tried to be reasonable
[22:27] You: we’ve tried to talk to the owner
[22:27] You: we’ve tried being nice
[22:27] Alexander Burgess: yep, that’s right ILLEGAL
[22:27] Alexander Burgess: and we’re going to write about it in a very public way
[22:27] You: but he won’t take his shitty casino to a private sim where he can have all the laggy scripts and camping chairs he wants
[22:28] SLP Bonus Camping Chair 1.2 (1): 214 TROLL cashing out for L$38
[22:28] Alexander Burgess: see the error of your ways
[22:28] Alexander Burgess: yes brother!
[22:28] You: how’s this for a lapdance bitch?
[22:29] You: We’ve talked to the asshole owner at length
[22:30] You: but he doesn’t give a shit that there’s a community of people here who care about this sim and the great city build
[22:30] You: he only cares about his business
[22:30] You: so since he’s never here, you all have to pay
[22:30] You: I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is
[22:30] You: who wants me to kick their ass first?

[22:32] Lana MISSING: could you please move?
[22:32] Alexander Burgess: lol
[22:32] You: NO CAN YOU MOVE BITCH?
[22:32] Alexander Burgess: that’s what we want you to do, MOVE
[22:33] Alexander Burgess: leave
[22:33] Lana MISSING: you look retarded, but if you want to stay, go ahead
[22:33] You: I look awesome, and your face is missing
[22:33] Arwin LAME: lana
[22:33] You: stinky ho
[22:33] Arwin LAME: hi!
[22:33] Lana MISSING: hi Arwin
[22:33] Alexander Burgess: hi Arwin!
[22:34] You: Arwin! Would you like a free beating tonight?
[22:34] Arwin LAME: who is this idiot?
[22:34] Alexander Burgess: we live here Arwin
[22:34] Alexander Burgess: and you campers lag the shit out of our home
[22:35] Arwin LAME: oh get a life
[22:35] Alexander Burgess: campers have no life
[22:35] Arwin LAME: let me report abuse
[22:35] Alexander Burgess: get a fucking job
[22:35] You: Bothering you is my fucking life
[22:35] Alexander Burgess: ok, report abuse in an illegal casino
[22:35] You: You think this is abuse?
[22:36] You: You ain’t seen nothing
[22:36] Alexander Burgess: Phil will love the publicity
[22:37] Arwin LAME: enough of you kids….go to bed before your parents find out what you do when bored
[22:37] You: Arwin I’m reporting you for abuse

(Arwin teleported out then – one down, 18 to go!)

Just as I was running out of abusive ways to say, “get the fuck out,” Zoe popped in for back up. And wow is she hot. But that’s beside the point atm…

I have to admit, I was out of control even for me. But with some of my closest friends gone and half the Philly sim sold due to lag, then the asshole owner not giving a shit, well, you see what desperation and a sense of helplessness can do to somebody. I really did try to reason with that motherfucker – for hours I talked to him. So did many others in Topgol. He told us he’d leave if we all wanted him to, and we all told him we did, but he hasn’t left.

So what are we to do then?

The only thing I know how to do. Act like an ass.

Peace to the pixels and their owners, and may the cosmos be merciful when delivering unto me what karmic debt I’ve incurred.

Say hullo to Adelaide Asshole, a frequent camper at the shit ass casino in Topgol. I tried to explain to her why her presence in the camping chair was causing me and my neighbors aggravation, but she didn’t care. I told her we were a community of nice people, and her resource sucking wastoid existence in our sim was causing us problems, and I’m sorry but the bitch didn’t get it. Instead, she called me a whiner, a complainer, and – get this – a griefer!

Well, maybe I was ripping all those camping assholes new ones, but what the hell, we couldn’t move at all in the sim. What did I have to lose? A very lengthy chat with the casino owner proved completely useless. The guy doesn’t give a fuck, that’s for sure. And now Topgol is all laggy and crappy again. There’ve been some nights it’s so bad, none of us can hang out there at all. Nobody except, of course, the fucking campers.

It’s on now, people. The fight for Topgol.

Why, it’s Camper Van Asshat!

And, what makes him an Asshole worthy of Portraits? This dickhead belongs to a special cohort of SL assholes known as “campers.” We have a whole story on berating campers in Topgol this morning, just below the fold.

“God damn it’s laggy in Topgol today.” Alex complained. I logged in and we decided that maybe it could have something to do with our new neighbor, the 12 Monkeys Casino my bad, according to the sign it’s the Twelve 12 Casino Monkey. And sure enough, this is what we found.

Fucking campers. Tons of them!

There were newbie campers, not so newbie campers. All in a row like pixel automatons doing nothing but creating lag, causing Topgol to suck. Yet the situation bears asking the question, who is the BIGGER asshole?

1. The stupid campers who come to a rockin’ sim like Topgol, place their avies in a stupid camping chair and then go jerk off in the bathroom while their pixelated representative sucks the vibrancy out of an online community?
2. Or the ASSHOLE who buys property in a cool community like Little Philadelphia and then fucks it up by putting in a ton of camping chairs, obviously not giving a rats testicle about causing lag and other unpleasantness in a place plenty of people call home?

I know personally, I am far more pissed off at the owner, Giant Self-centered Asshole #2. That’s just no way to do business in a community. But he wasn’t around, and the assholes who camp need to be taught a lesson too, I feel. So I decided to play teacher.

I jumped up onto the row of slots and just started to berate the absent motherfuckers. I think Alex thought I’d lost my mind, but then I got on a roll, and I think he must have been inspired because he jumped into the act too.

And the chorus went a little like this:

You: Congratulations! You’ve all made portraits of SL Assholes for lagging my home!
SLP Bonus Camping Chair 1.2 (1): Casiopeia Voom cashing out for L$15
kranovich Vuckovic: but this place is marked in my maps
You: so what?
You: camping chairs fucking blow
You: they cause lag
You: they fuck up the sim
You: this is a cool place to hang out
You: but now people can barely fucking walk
You: if you spent a lot of time here you’d feel the same way
You: can’t you all just get real jobs and buy some fucking Lindens like civilized people?
You: huh?
You: or be productive and make something and sell it?
You: i mean what a fucking waste of time this is
You: AND it’s lagging my home
You: god damn it
You: why don’t you go lag some lame fucking sim like phat cat’s
You: This is Philly people!
You: There’s a lot of cool stuff to see and do here
Alexander Burgess: ooh! goosey, you won $.00001 US
You: and you’re RUINGING IT
You: RUINING
Alexander Burgess laughs
You: Think of the children!
Alexander Burgess: you have a hard time talking when you get mad Myg
You: Think of the people who fucking work so hard to make this place cool
Alexander Burgess: you’re not appealing to their “better” natures, are you?
You: They’re all fucking reading porn on the net somewhere anyway
Alexander Burgess: these people are all self-centered leeches
You: Nobody cares
You: *sob*
You: WAKE UP PEOPLE!
You: you’re being exploited by the MAN
Alexander Burgess: why dont you all go escort? You can at least make some cash like that
You: Yeah!
You: Be hookers!
You: MUCH more lucrative
You: you can go to the Fitzgerald up the street
You: tons of customers!
Alexander Burgess: now that’s a great spot–excelent SEX hotel, noobs
You: At least make your lagged out presence add some value to the sim
You: you’re all electronic WASTE, that’s what the fuck you are!
You: boo, hiss, boo
You: don’t camp!
Alexander Burgess: pixel crud
You: it’s lame!
You: it sucks!
You: it makes it so I can’t move in my home!
You: CAMPING IS FOR LEECHES!
You: it causes lag!
You: it fucks up our sim
Alexander Burgess: and you’re not really making any money!
You: look at this idiot – sat here for fucking how long to make 98 L?
Alexander Burgess: you’re probably not even at your computer
You: you don’t have anything better to do than fuck up the sim for the rest of us?
You: for a pittance?
You: FOR SHAME!
You: GO GET REAL JOBS!
You: Log off and do something productive with your god damned time
You: save valuable resources and shut down your fucking computers if you’re not using them!
You: you’re lagging my home, ingrates!
kranovich Vuckovic: haha youre right..i have no fuckin dollar…in 2 days..and this suckers a full time rolling on this shit
You: if you want to hang out here then get up and walk around and enjoy the sim
You: add something
You: all you do is take, take take

My god how I missed Gala then. I always miss her since she hasn’t been in Philly all that much, but when it comes to situations like these, nobody is better at verbal abuse or creative shaming. We would have had a fucking ball, except for the fact that we could barely move.

Fucking camping ASSHOLES!

See, I’m still so pissed I had to stress “assholes” with both caps and italics. Sheesh.

I talked to Romana last night, asked her how she felt about the casino. She, of course, was much more open and forgiving. “Bringing people in to walk around the sim makes it more alive – it’s better.”

And she’s right, of course. But what I saw this morning was none of that. I saw somebody placing a resource sucking piece of shit up in a vibrant community, causing all of us to suffer. And I want one of two things.

1. The 12 Monkeys Twelve 12 Casino Monkey stays but axes the fucking camping chairs. (What, can’t you get any REAL business?) Honestly, the build is fine and I appreciate the fact that it blends well with the Philly theme. At first I was sort of looking forward to having it there. But this camping bullshit has to go. It’s either that…or:
2. The 12 Monkeys Twelve 12 Casino Monkey can bite me and get the fuck out of Topgol.

And that is truly how I feel.

First of all, we have this dude. I can’t even remember any part of his name. What did he do to qualify for a spot on Portraits? One guess.

Figure 1, asshole staring at his own genitals in the Fitzgerald hotel lobby. Maybe it wasn’t so terrible for him to be in the lobby without pants. It is a sex hotel, so whatever. But fact is, the dude ported onto the street corner just like this, balls out. So me, Alex and Sable were standing there gabbing about Topgol related shit, when in drops this dumbass with no pants. And I’m sorry but that’s just stupid.

Want more? Keep going to meet SL Asshole #2.
Next up, we have some asshole named Jonhy G something or other. I don’t know in what culture it’s acceptable to port into a strange land and just start shooting the residents, but that’s exactly what asshole number two did.

We tried to reason with the guy, honestly, but this dickhead just kept shooting at us. Alex told him to knock it off. I waved my glock at him and told him to chill out, but the dude never said a word. Just kept firing.

I don’t care where you’re from man, that’s just bad manners. Alex gave him a lesson in Topgol etiquette when he orbited his ass off the sim.

But I have to say, at least the guy was wearing pants.